clinging to you, your arms draped around me. my face buried in your fuzzy sweater. and then it happened. an explosion of emotions erupts from the depths of my consciousness, things repressed longer than i can remember. and the tears, pouring from my eyes like the rain that still hasn't stopped. and there i am, in your arms letting out every bit of sadness iv ever held back, i let go. and iv never felt so safe.
it never seems to stop lately. but that's what i seem to identify with anymore. that never-ending, never changing blissful monotony that controls my life. things in our lives, nevertheless seem to be chaotic and random, always to end in the same systematic endings of every other bit of life we all pretend to have. whether or not we're sitting around, driving, going to shows, or sleeping, it all just seems to be the same. and always the rain. another static in my life. the seemingly constant rainfall...
12:19 english class. boredom, just want to get this crap over with. miss c. just babbles on about conjunctive adverbs and the nominative case.
1:00 public speaking exam. it was probably the most simple exam iv ever taken. now im just doomed to sit here in silent boredom until the bell.
2:30 the end of my history exam. and nearing the end of my junior year of high school. but now just waiting.
2:34 every second just seems to inch by. every second seems like twenty minutes. i cant wait for the...
2:35 the bell rings.
2:37 im out the door.
"today", that has to be one of the most relative terms that has been used ever, especially in my life. days just seem to blend together, yesterday becomes today today becomes tomorrow and i what i think is tomorrow becomes today.
"i miss today," i said.
"...but i dread it tomorrow"
because the today of tomorrow is always going to not be the today of yesterday. the day to day concept of today was described by the yuri indians by pointing up. and by society 'today' as the day you are currently in.
but wouldn't tomorrow be today? just like yesterday was?
i got lost today. nina and i were driving from empire to... well i actually had no idea where i was going, or why. i just knew i wanted to go.. we drove to empire and then just turned onto a road i've never been on. it took us over the river on this old rickety bridge, nina thought for sure that it would collapse on us when we drove over it. but i managed to get across it. it shook really intensely when the wind blew. and it was a particularly windy night. but after that i just kept driving, i had a half a tank of gas and was in a ford festiva, so i figured that i could get to something without running out of gas anytime soon. i was wrong, dead wrong. the road eventually changed from a four lane into barely a two lane.
one again it's raining. but this times it's different. i'm not liking it today. it's dark, damp, cold, and foreboding. iv got that over whelming sense that something is out of place, or it's very wrong. i cant tell. everything is blurred by my new windshield wipers. i liked the old ones better, even though they were broken they still worked. unlike these new ones. just because they're not broken, doesn’t mean they don't need to be fixed. but i still feel like something is wrong, and i cant put my finger on it. maybe it's me, maybe it's the weather, maybe it's the hunger in my stomach, maybe it's the thoughts i'm having, maybe the thought's i'm not. it's a very vague feeling and i don't tend to get those very often. it's comparable to that feeling you get when you first wake up, your eyes are blurry, everything it bright, and it's hard to fo see anything. that's how i feel now, except i'm noticing it less and less...
boredom...the same old endless monotony that runs my world. i can't seem to shake this feeling of insecurity. i'm afraid, and I don't know of what. *sigh* maybe it's paranoia, or just existential angst. i'm not sure. i feel lost, i feel alone, i feel empty. and tired.
nate and i went to pittsburgh yesterday. i got a new deck for my skate board. it's a 'zero'. hehe, typical i guess. i cut out black flag bars in the grip tape, it's interesting to say the least. i can't wait for summer, but at the same time i'm secretly dreading it. the summer brings break, relaxation, shows, fun, green mohalks, piercings, and ill be 18 this summer. but i got a job the other day, and i hope it doesn't interfere with all of my summer fun. i also know that is so hot during the summer. but all and all i'm looking forward to it.
